Somewhere @ Nowhere - The Book

Finally ...

The book is out ...

It is available at -

http://tinyurl.com/book-khareedo (Flipkart)

http://tinyurl.com/nikesh32 (Pustak Mahal)




Do grab your copy soon, in case you haven't already :)


It will be in Crosswords and Landmarks in some time (maybe some time later this month)

32.

Somewhere @ Nowhere - The Book

Here comes my book, Somewhere @ Nowhere -

http://rathinikesh.blogspot.com/2010/02/somewhere-nowhere-book.html

Why does Microsoft perform so well in US stock markets ?




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Coz it created Win DOWs

Which politician uses complex mathematical models for decision making ?

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Laloo (LP Yadav!)

Temeperature scale and electricity using magnetism was invented by same person ... How ?


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In day he was Fara-day, in nights he was Fara-night

Priyanka Chopra rides Hero Honda Pleasure in Dostana ... why ?


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Tagline - Why should boys have all the fun !!!

Ek aur -->

Ek baar ek aadmi tha ... Uska naam tha 'A'.

Uska ek dost tha ... Uska bhi naam tha 'A'

Unke bhi 1-1 dost ka naam ha 'A'

All the 4 people start a music band. But they think hat their name is not musical enough. So they chose a collective name (which all four of them use). Uske bad unka band superhit ho jaata hai ... Bolo, which name did they choose ?

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Answer - A.R Rahman (A are Rahman)

Sorry for being quite irregular on this blog
(to whatver minuscule people who read this blog!)

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Ek aur intellectual sawaal -->

Titanic mein itne sare log marte hain ... but Kate Winslet nahi marti .... kyun ?



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Usne JACK lagaya tha !!!

What would Alexander The Great have been called had he been a software engineer ??

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C- Kandar

Why do people achieve new depths when they go out to bore people in a proper way ?

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Coz they bore properly
i.e. They bore-well !

What would 18 people drinking tea together see on TV ?


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CNN-IBN, CNBC etc. (TV 18 ... Tea We 18)

What would be name of the movie that Subhash Ghai will make on Indira Nooyi ?


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Soda-gar

Deewar (The Wall) --> Yaad hai Glenn saab, 10 saal pehle ek batsman jisko aapne outside the off stump ball kii thi aur usne khelne se inkaar kar diya tha ...

(After Glenn says "haan ..."lekin tum ye kyun pooch rahe ho")

... Main aaj bhi outside the off stump ki ball nahi khelta

Why are single females bad ?

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Ans --- Kyunki wo paapi hoti hain

Sin gal

Jab insaan khush ho, tab woh copy paste nahi maarta ... Kyun ?


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Kyunki uske paas gum nahi rehta

Tanushree Dutta ke ghar Emraan Hashmi aaya aur wo bimaar ho gayee ... kyun ?

aa-sick banaya aapne


Ab wo theek kahan hogi ?


Na-sick (Nasik)

Why can't you refuse an offer for the Tata's 1 lakh car ?

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Coz it is "NA NO"

Jis insaan mein koi kami na ho, like raymond man .. usey kya kahenge ?


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Kami-na

What would you call Forrest Gump if he eats rasgulla ?

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Dessert Gump

If Fidel Castro has $5 with him ... how much evil is he ?

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Answer --> $ 125

Reason --> Money is the root of all evil

But ...


Square root ki cube root or something else


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In this case it is cube root as Fidel Casto belongs to Cuba

Ek chutki marks

Ek chutki marks ki keemat tum kya jaano Prof babu.
Padhne ka inaam hota hai ... ek chutki marks ...
Har student ka khwaab hota hai ... ek chutki marks ...
Pass hone ka raaz hota hai .. ek chutki marks

(Inspired by a scene from Om Shanti OM)

Maybe the prof will reply by --> Arey ae Nikesh ... I hate 'F's re ...

Trivia

India's largest private sector organization?


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Indian National Congress !

Trivia question - Name an MNC, whose share in global market is shrinking rapidly, but in India it enjoys a small but stable market share and wields much more influence ? (Hint - Its Indian operations CEO is one of the highly powerful persons in India)

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Left (Communists !)

Helen Hunt's favorite movie ?

Ans. Good Will Hunting !

Whistle while you bank ... go to Citibank !

Eco-friendly gods

Hare Rama Hare Rama
Rama Rama Hare Hare

Hare Krishna Hare Krishna
Rama Krishna Hare Krishna !

That's what I call eco-friendly gods !

What would Lord Ganesha think while having a sip of Pepsi

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---> Ye dol maange more-ya !


Why is Lord Ganesha the IT god ?

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---> Coz he rides on a mouse

Kitne saare surror

1,000,000,000,000 1,000,000,000,000 1,000,000,000,000 suroor ?

Ye kya hai ... and what if no of surror decreases 1000 times ?

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...

Tera Tera Tera surror

If it decreses 1000times it will be Giga Giga Giga surroor !!!


If it decreses 1000 times again it will be Mega Mega Mega surroor !!!

T HANKS

For all those birthday wishes, I just want to say -

T HANKS

Quite literally !!!!!

Why did movie "Partner" had people (esp Chota Don) crazy about cricket


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Coz it had Lara and Kaif in it (the two heroines !)

Warning - unhealthy dose of jargons ahead
Strategy padh padhke pareshaan :(
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Bhai-giri --> Doctor-giri --> Gandhi-giri --> God-giri (???) ...
Should Munnabhai move up the value chain ?
What will be the intended and unintended consequences ?
How are competitors likely to react ?
Where is the bhaigiri industry heading for ?
What are the dominant trends ?
Where are Munnabhai and co. placed on the strategic group mp vi-a-vis competitors ?
What are their core competencies and distinctive competencies?...

Exam time shers

Ek ladki thi maggu si ...
Din raat magti thi ...
Notes banaakar, books uthaakar..
Galiyon se guzarti thi ...
Usey padhna tha shayad ...
Shayad 'D' aane se darti thi ...
Jab bhi mujhse mila karti thi...
to sarcastically poocha karti thi ...
Ki padhaai kaise hoti hai ...

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Slides bante hain, exams ka sama hota hai ...
Aise mausam mein hi to mugna jawan hota hai ...
Dil ki khunnas profs zubaan se nahi kehte ...
Ye fasaana to grades mein bayan hota hai !!

(Inspired by a sher in movie Sarfarosh.)

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Champu company ko leader kar de ...
Leader ko position khoni ...
Ek jagah jab jamaa ho teeno -
Vision,.. Mission ...auuur Strategy

(Inspired by Amar Akbar Anthony title track)

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"Case pe case, case pe case, aakir kab tak solve karenge case hi case ... Case pe case milte rahe lekin marks nahi. Case dene waalon ne sirf case diye lekin solutions nahi. Yahan ke profs ne case ko ek hathiyar ki tarah istemaal kiya hai. Case solve karte huey dimaag ki waat lag gayee ... Aur hua kya ... aakhir mila ek case. Case dene waale khud hi ek din ban jaayenge case, aur phir bhi milega sirf ek case. Aakhir kab tak chalega ye case ..." - Nee-Case

In Bangalore BMTC buses, many bus drivers act as conductors also ...
Just now I am enlightened with the answer of "Why do they do so?"

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Bangalore is Silicon valley of India
And Silicon is a semi-conductor.

SO, these bus drivers are true to the spirit of the city and are semi-conductors!!!!!

Cricket Special

Who is Bill gate's favourite cricketer?

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MS Dhoni

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What did Sir Bradman loved to do in spare time ?

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Just loaf around!

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Which is Rahul Dravi's favourite ice cream brand ? (This is an old one !!!)
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Kwality Walls

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Where do Pakistani players go to get priyagold biscuit

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To Inzamam ul Haq

(Priyagold's punchline is ... haq se maango !!!)

Tennis Special

Seeing the current form, only one player can defeat Roger Federer on grass court.
Who is he

Hint: He has retired....

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Jim Courier !!!!!

:P

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Which is a statistician's favourite tennis player

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Steffi Graf

:P
________________

Himesh series of PJS

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1. 1. Himesh typed a word document. Everything was in upper case. Why?

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Ans .Coz CAPS LOCK was on!

2. 2. Which is Himesh's favorite South African city?

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Ans. CAPe Town

3. Himesh did an awesome job as a singer. What did his peers say to him appreciating his efforts?

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Ans. "Caps off to you"

4. 4. What is Himesh's lucky number?

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13 …(Naam hai 13 13 !!!)

5. 5. What is Himesh's afourite coffee

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Ans. CAPpuccino

/*Slaughter of creativity during exam time*/

Marketing special:
Kotler kotler ...
Brand Positioning ke funde bolkar...
Market share udaa le gaya ...

Fincance special:
Myers aur Brealey aksar ye baatein karte hain ... tum hote to aisa hota, tum hote to waisa hota, tum iss stock mein invest karte, tum ye options khareedte, tum iss company ki intrinsic value nikalte, tum usscompany se dividend lete ... lekin sach to ye hai ki puraa project negative NPV hai, lekin dil kehta hai ye investment sahi hai

Linear programming special:
Prof kehte hain badaa naam karega
Student hamaara ek LP solve karega
Magar yeh to ...
Koi na jaane ki mere basic variables hain kahaan

We don't need

"We don't need no inflation
We don't need no cost control
No dark hypothesis in the classroom
Prof leave us 'kids' alone
All in all it's just another brick in the wall"

[
Explanation :
inflation - macro economics
cost control - management accounting
hypothesis - quantitative analysis in management

these r just few bricks in my 'durgati' wall :(

BTW ... Hail Pink Floyd for making us realize the truth!
after all who wants to be "just another brick in the wall"
:D
]

Imagine

Imagine there are no acads
No profs to harass us
No projects, no submissions to do
And no examinations too
Imagine all the students, Living life in peace
You may say I am a dreamer, but I am not the only one ...

(Inspired by John Lennon's Imagine)

Prof kehte hain ...

Prof kehte hain ... ( inspired by Papa kehte hain frm QSQT !)
Dedicated to the b-school goers !
Here it goes :

Doston, Aaj submission ka aakhiri din hai …
Aur sabhi ne apne project ke baare mein kuch soch rakha hai
But maine kuch nahi socha hai …
Really … I mean it …

Aur aaj baar baar mere dimaag mein yahi baat aati hai …

Prof kehte hain badaaa naam karega,
Student hamaara aisa kaam karega,
Magar yeh to ..
Koi na jaane … ki meri slides … hai kahaaan …


Baithe hain milke, sab project mates apne …
Sabke dilo mein armaan ye hai …
Wo presentation mein, kal kya kya bolegaa …
Har ek nazar ka sapna yeh hai
Koi introduction ka kaam karegaa
Globe maarne mein koi apna naam karega

Magar yeh to ..
Koi na jaane … ki meri slides … hai kahaaan …


Mera to sapna … hai i-bank jaana …
Dekhoon jo usko jhoome bahaar …
Account mein khilta dollar ka mausam,
Style mein jaadooo, bangla aur car !
Banda ye khoobsurat kaam karega …
Powerpoint ki duniya mein apna naam karega …


Magar yeh to …
Koi na jaane … ki meri slides … hai kahaaan …

Sholay (cricket version)

Warning: Highly insane stuff ahead ...



SHOLAY (cricket version)

a retired cricketer from pakistan ... wasim akram wants to hire two ex-cricketer to fight betting which has plagued the pakistan cricket team ... and has cost him too dear even personally ...

those 2 cricketers are mohammad azharrudin(veeru) and hansie cronje(jai) ... two small betters ...

when another cricketer asked akram ... why those two ... he says wo fixers hain but acche cricketers hain (... wo khatarnak hai ...par bahadur hain) ... (flashback : tow the two managed to win a match for a club which was fixd by their teammates)
meanwhile ... in a charity match ...
(maninder singh: hum clive llyod ke west indies team ke zamaane ke bowler hain ... aaahaa ...
aadha over inswing ... aadhe over outswing ... aur baaki balls straight daali ... aaaahaaa ...
pitch mein surang .... aaaahaaa)



so cronje an azhar go to sharjah to fight it ...

where they meet mandira bedi ...jinhe jyaada befizuul ki baatein karne ki aadat to hai nahi !!!

they initially think ki they wud run away with the betting ka paisa from sharjah from akram's house ... but then decide against it ...

an attack of fixers happen ... and they prevent a match fixing ...
the betters go back to there sardar (gabbar type ....) ...

gabbar : kitne players thein ... wo 2 aur tum 3 ... to bhi match fix nahi kar paaye ... (ha ha ha ...shoot ... shoot ... shoot ... ha ha ha) ... arrrey ... sharjah india pakistan ODI kab hai re ...

a foiled attempt by gabbar the better during that seaon ...

azhar : hum aapki bahut izzat karte thin wasim saab ... but aapne un goondon ki pitaai kyun nahi ki ...
wasim: sunna chahte ho ... bahuuuuut lambi kahaani hai ...
(flashback on how gabbar was caught by him during betting and how he escaped ... and how he destroyed the akram ka bat etc) ...

(meanwhile
hansie: azhar ka kya hai ... jab team mein rehta hai to kaam rehta hai
mausiji: wo team ke bahar bhi rehta hai ...
haan fixing karne walon ko itni jaldi lete nahi
to wo fixing bhi karta hai ...
kya kaein ... batting performance ko dekh team me jagah milti to hai nahi ...
to wo batting bhi kharab karta hai ...
mausiji ... models ke peeche bhaagne se time miley tab to wo batting karega ...etc.)

(aur ... azhar teaches mandira to bat ... cronje says ... haan haan ye to bradman ke pote hain ...
mandira: yuuun ki ye bradman kaun hai ...etc etc)



meanwhile few cricketers ge removed from team for not supporting fixing (danish kaneria ... later his father asks ... itna sannata kyun hai bhai)

aur phir gabbar ke aadmi kidnap azhar and madira ko kehte hai : jab tak tum set max pe non stop commentry dogi ... tab tak iski jaan rahegi ...)



azhar: mandiraaa in kutto ke saamne commentry mat dena !!


end mein hansie comes to rescue ... a big fight ... dhishum dhishum ...

hansie tosses a coin (yes ... he used the same coin when he was the captain) ... and then dies in the fight ... gabbar masterminds a plane crash ...

(sad song: ye match ... hum nahiiii haarenge ...)

akram: iske liye mera bat kya ... mera reverse swing hi kaafi hai ...)

dhishum dhishum ...

gabbar gets arrested ... match fixing khallas !!

azhar plans to return ... and mandira waits in air india flight for him ...

Shayari

On a lighter note ...

(non-software guys may not be able to relate to it)

Code bante hain, release ka sama hota hai ...
Aise mausam mein hi to bugs jawan hota hai ...
Dil ki khunnas manager zubaan se nahi kehte ...
Ye fasaana to appraisal mein bayan hota hai !!

(based upon a shayari that comes in the movie "sarfarosh")